as a matter of fact, i love you
:D!
FACT 1: Cynthia loves to sit down and do nothing but daydream.
FACT 2: Cynthia has always secretly wished for a birthday party.
FACT 3: Cynthia really loves Stitch to bits and pieces.
Treat me well, and you can be sure you'll be loved.
And I really want to say: I love you.
i love yuting charis dixun jocelyn roxanne wanyi alfreda! <3
thanks for always being there, guys :D
Wednesday, July 22, 2009!
HandWritten on; 2:03 PM
SUPER CONFUSED HELLO. Tuesday, July 21, 2009/ 10:36 PM
i actually know that talking about stuff isnt gonna make anything change, but heck it, talking makes me feel better.
15 minutes left.
i dont know what's going through your mind. is asking even going to help? you dont even seem to realise.. that. dont know why i bother, but apparently i do so accept the fact that im going to keep bothering you till i find out what the hell happened to you.
i am NOT someone you talk to only when you have a problem.
you want someone like that, find a psychiatrist. not me. or you could pay me to listen to all your woes. and so emotions and feelings aside, i wont come to like you, tyvm. its so true eh. when you know someone's story, you'll just fall in love with them, even if its unknowingly.
i had actually forgotten about what happened that made us drift apart. my memory is good in a bad way. forget things easily, cant recall the past. this was the only reason how i could forget about how stupid i felt last time. but i keep memos. to remind myself of the hurt. of why i didnt want to talk to you anymore.
ridiculous, isnt it? for me to try talking to you again, to break the barrier i built myself, when in the first place i was the one who wanted everything to stop. but im trying to make it up to you now, and you dont seem to care. am i crazy, or are you have you turned into another person i dont know anymore?
5 more minutes.
your story made me feel loads of heartbreak. so was that pity i felt then? maybe i couldnt differentiate one from another, it might have been my fault. but.
if youre reading this, could you tell me.
-cynth
noseblock, mind-blocked, heart-wrenched. |
Tuesday, February 17, 2009!
HandWritten on; 6:48 PM
since she'd already broken all her rules already, why not break one more? of promising herself she'd never metion him after valentine's, but she had absolute zero self-control (she did not just realise this). but he hurt her deep, man. real deep.
"i dont know what to say."
"dunno, or dunno how?"she hadnt replied since. not because she didn't want to, but she really had nothing left to say. maybe yes, she didn't know how to come clean, how to once again be herself when she was with him. it would be too tiring to stay as friends, especially when it meant pretending all the time, and lying to him that she was alright, that she's fine, that she totally forgot what happened.
amazingly, this was the first time she had ever remembered someone so vividly. he should have been honoured. usually, she would just forget people as if they were just flies on the windscreen of her life. swish goes the windshield wiper and outta her life they went.
he'd mistaken her once again. to think that less than 10 smses later, he'd already thought that she was just unwilling to sms him. but all she had in mind was to give him some time to do his work in peace. she hated the feeling of being maligned, that wasn't even her intention. but she just HAD to say it, everything that she told herself she wouldn't say.
she screwed.
he said he loves her. as a companion.
and she cried. again.
why must i keep repeating my mistake?
!
HandWritten on; 6:47 PM
i will
try to forget him.
i will
try not to miss him.
i will
try not to love him.
i will
try not to sms him.
i will
try not to think of him.
i will
try not to call him.
i will
try not to get upset
when i suddenly remember something we once did.
cos thats the way it is.
the more i tell myself to forget you, the harder it is to do so.
the more i try to ignore your existence the more i sense your presence everywhere i go.
yet, the more i talk to you, the sadder i will feel. isn't that ironic?
i really should forget you.
after valentine's day, im just gonna pretend it all never happened, i must be strong.
you arent worth my tears.
you're worth my blood.
!
HandWritten on; 6:42 PM
he walked alongside her. they just alighted from the lrt, he was sending her home. it was 11pm at night, but it wasn't late enough for them, cos they had many things to tell each other anyway. but she was worried, worried that he would miss the last train home, that he would get stuck on the way.
"how much do you have left? what if you miss the last train? you dont have enough to get a cab home right?"
"yeah not enough, but nevermind la, at most just ton at the mrt station lor."
He grinned widely.
She frowned.
"if you miss the train, you MUST call me and tell me okay! then i will go find you."
"okay la okay la you win. i'll call you alright?"
"you better go now, very late liao, byebye!"
"k bye, sleep early k."
"yup, now go la, if not miss the train."
he walked off, and she walked the other direction. suddenly she heard him shouting her name, and she looked up at the direction where the voice came from.
"hey! my phone going to no battery le, how?"
"just make sure that you get back home safely! if not call me from a payphone okay!"
she continued walking home, thinking about him, what if he couldn't get back home? it would be all her fault, cos he sent her home when he lived very far away from her. she should never have let him send her home. but it was the only way to be able to spend more time with each other.
her handphone rang, there was a new sms from him.
"im at je miss last train"
and she panicked. she wanted to take cab down, but then remembered she didnt have money either. normally she wouldn't have done this, but she ran to her mother and told her a friend missed the last train home. her mum gave her that "who could be so important" look, but still went to get the car and drove her to the mrt station.
what happened next was not important.
she just remembered she was so worried for him.
!
HandWritten on; 6:40 PM
the day was friday the thirteenth.
she wore the grey over-sized jacket he had bought for her.
it was the first present ever from him.
which was also the last.
once again the feeling of loneliness rushed over her, trying to suffocate her, probably drowning her. she was so drained of physical energy from thinking about him. she couldn't move, she didnt have the determination to. for some weird reason, she just started crying, as if the waves did not carry her tears already.
for every teardrop,
she missed how he called her name,
she missed how he cuddled her when she felt cold,
she missed the way his hand felt in hers,
she missed the way she would lie on his shoulder and fall asleep knowing she was safe,
she missed the way they had everything to talk about until daybreak,
she missed the way they had been.
six teardrops fell on a half-finished letter she was writing to him. telling him about everything she felt. in the letter, she poured every single little detail and left nothing out, even about the other girl, the cause of her pain. she told him. she knew things will never work out, but she'd still miss him. she knew it was impossible for them to stay as friends, that was why she made a firm decision never to contact him anymore. not even for the sake of a "happy birthday".
the letter never made it to him.
by then, she had been so close to him, every little thing about him she would know. if there was exam on him, she would even get the bonus marks, cos that was just how close they were, to the extent that people even mistook them for a couple. but they weren't, or so they told themselves, or so they tried to believe.
until now, the decision hasn't been made, and the letter still sits in her drawer, buried under everything else. she knew where he lived, and she wanted to to drop the letter off at his doorstep, but then there he was, happily living his life without her already. was he happier without her there? he probably doesn't remember her already.
she wanted to be next to him right now, even if he didnt recognise her anymore.
she sat down in the corner, buried her face in her hands
and once again tears started rolling down her face again.
she knew tomorrow was valentine's day.
and she'd miss him for everything.
!
HandWritten on; 6:38 PM
she was suddenly reminded of the time when she and him were still on talking terms. or should she say, even more than that. whenever they were at the traffic lights, just the both of them alone, she would always race him to see who pressed the button first. she always won, maybe cos he let her, but she'd never know, cos he never said.
but this time it was different. they didnt cross the road even as the green man's light kept flashing. on. off. on. off. on. off. he had her in his arms, and they hugged for what felt like an eternity. she wished that moment would last forever, but she wasn't half as important as what he felt was really, in fact, way more important than her. she let go of him.
but she never really did.
now she just hopes he remembers. how she always reminds him not to jaywalk, and to use the traffic light. cos that was what he said to her, "the fortune teller said i had to be careful cos i might get involved in a car accident this year." she never felt he was completely safe unless she was there. but she couldn't be there all the time. she wasn't important enough.
she wishes she still had him right beside her.
because she still loves him.
Thursday, January 1, 2009!
HandWritten on; 10:18 AM
countdown was a blast!
but then, something just HAD TO SPOIL THE FUN. im really not blaming you, cos im the one still holding on. i don't want to miss you too much ._. but i can't help it!! someone save me. my heart broke even when you were just wishing me happy new year. what was i supposed to do? i didn't want to reply cos i thought it'd drag on and on, and i'd never be able to get to the pert of actually forgetting. but i couldn't control myself! i should keep my emotions in check.
my new year resolution: STUDY HARD (its so not going to happen =.=)
and not to think about you anymore. if you see this, please remove me from your private blog thank you i don't want to suffer anymore. i don't want to see how much you love her, its really none of my business anymore. and though you're worth it, i don't wish to hurt myself already. i should focus on something else now.
